|
Name: Don't Mention The J Word
Summary:
This is a "work in progress" stage comedy, which focuses on one man’s failed attempts to get his own Jewish comedy sketch show on TV. As he talks about his experiences, he recounts some of his ideas for Jewish comedy sketches that were submitted.
Details:
Don’t Mention The J-Word takes a fresh look at diverse comedy in Britain today, and is written by Leslie Bunder and Caroline Westbrook.
CHARACTERS
The main character is ALAN, a Jewish man in his mid-twenties, who is passionate about getting his show on TV.
Other characters turn up in the various sketches. This production is based on a maximum of five performers.
Opening Scene
ALAN, a man in his mid-twenties, is sitting at a desk in his flat, slaving away on his laptop computer. As the lights come up all we hear is the sound of the keyboard tapping away. The phone then rings and he moves to answer it. The Head of Comedy at a small obscure cable station is on the other end.
ALAN
Hello? (beat) Not bad thanks. (long beat). Well, I kind of expected that. I guess it was too Jewish this time was it? Or was it not Jewish enough? (beat) Oh, it was just plain Jewish, was it? Oh, OK. But I thought the Ukranian Jamaican with the Jewish Bollywood scene would have made it a bit less ghetto-ised? (beat) No? Oh well, that’s a shame. (beat) Yes, if I have any more ideas I’ll certainly be in touch. ‘Bye then (hangs up and turns to centre stage) Well, this finally confirms what I’d suspected all along. If you’re Jewish and you’re a writer and you try writing something that’s Jewish, and God forbid, positive and funny that doesn’t involve the Holocaust, or Israel, or other stereotypical images of Jews, you might as well forget it. For two years now, I’ve been trying to develop a Jewish comedy show for TV – in fact, for anybody. Sure, I’ve had meetings with top TV execs, as well as less top TV execs. But the general consensus is always the same. Jews are really funny people – just so long as they’re funny somewhere else. Sure, we can write the material, but God forbid we should want to feature Jews in comedy material, being non-stereotypical. Now that’s another thing. Other people said to me, “But we do have Jewish shows in our schedule. Why, only last week we broadcast Moses – The Truth, The Holocaust For Beginners and Israel – A Conflict In The Middle East.” But I keep telling them time and time again, this is Jewish comedy. And they said, “But we have done Jewish comedy. Didn’t you ever see So Haunt Me, starring Miriam Karlin as a Jewish ghost grandmother?” I said yes, that really put the cause of Jewish comedy back by about 20 years. And then they said, “Didn’t you ever see Lesley Joseph in Birds Of A Feather?” and I said yes, but that was a character who hinted vaguely at being Jewish. And then we both agreed. There’s never really been any true Jewish comedy on TV. Sure, we’ve got performers who happen to be Jewish, or at least we had performers who happened to be Jewish – Bernie Winters, of course, is dead, and I think Schnorbitz may be too – but living today, there is David Baddiel, Adam Bloom, Matt Lucas and Paul Kaye. But there’s a big difference between being Jewish and performing Jewish comedy. And that’s one of the biggest issues I’ve had to try and explain to our friends in TV, who keep on saying “yes, we have lots of Jewish people working with us”, and I say yes, I know, but for a nation of people who are supposed to be really funny and are admired for their comedic prowess, we just can’t seem to get anything off the ground. (he goes and sits back down at his computer and begins tapping away again). I really can’t work out why they don’t want to commission this show. After all, I’ve come up with so many ideas, and even my non-Jewish friends think they’re funny. Why, they said, you could have the next Goodness Gracious Me On your hands. Of course when someone eventually commissions the show or at least gives us a pilot, we can flesh out ideas like this…..
Light fades on ALAN and lights up on rest of stage. Someone runs across the stage carrying a piece of card on which is written SKETCH ONE: JEWISH SPORTING HEROES. A posh, BBC One style voice also announces the title of the sketch.
VOICEOVER
And now, on BBC One, our one-part series, Jewish Sporting Heroes. We take an in-depth look at the men and women who have shaped the face of Jewish physical sport.
(Chariots Of Fire theme swells up. A man with a dodgy fake moustache and 1970s hairdo makes mock swimming movements across the stage, carrying a card which says Mark Spitz: 1972 Olympics.)
VOICEOVER
And that’s the end of Jewish Sporting Heroes. Next week: Jewish Business Sporting Heroes, a three-hour in-depth look at the accountants, lawyers and business managers who have shaped the face of sitting behind a desk making deals on behalf of non-Jewish sporting heroes. Please note the earlier start time of 7pm.
LIGHTS UP ON FOUR PEOPLE SITTING AT TABLE IN BAR. Three of them have got Diet Cokes, one has a lager shandy. The lager shandy drinker is half Jewish on his mother’s side.
1st PERSON
So can anyone name me any great Jewish sporting moments in the last hundred years?
2nd PERSON
Alan Sugar buying Tottenham?
3rd PERSON
Roman Abramovich buying Chelsea.
1st PERSON
No, I meant sports stars.
4th PERSON (The half-Jew)
David Beckham?
2nd PERSON
I know!. How about Mark Spitz, the Olympic swimming champion, who won seven gold medals for America in 1972?
1st PERSON
Of course, that’s right. Any others?
EVERYBODY ELSE IN BAR
(shouts) What about Mark Spitz??!!
4th PERSON
(while everybody else is shouting, faintly protesting) David Beckham? (he is audible despite everybody else shouting and pub music blaring in the background)
1st PERSON
You know, I think you’re right. (to friends) Anybody want another Diet Coke?
(As they continue talking, a light comes up on a sign reading ‘The Mark Spitz Jewish Sporting Hero Bar’, Golders Green)
NEXT SKETCH. Someone runs across the stage, carrying a card reading: I Love 2519 BCE. Lights up on PRESENTER
PRESENTER
In 2519 BCE, a man called Abraham sparked off a nationwide craze – which men all over the planet just couldn’t get enough of…..
CUT TO:
2. INT. STUDIO 2
(Against a coloured BACKDROP, a standard Northern comedian is talking)
GUEST 1
Oh yeah, circumcision. That was all the rage back then
CUT TO: GUEST 2 in SAME STUDIO 2
GUEST 2
I remember when that first happened…it was one of the biggest crazes of all time. Men couldn’t get enough of it – it was the most fashionable thing to happen since robes.
CUT TO:
GUEST 1
It was always a mark of masculinity to do it yourself, like Abraham did – the easier you found that to do, the more of a man you were. Of course, everybody was even more impressed by the fact that he was 99 at the time – it was like, ‘How did you manage that?’ Incredible.
CUT TO:
GUEST 2
Of course, everybody thought that was one of those playground myths, you know – you just think if Abraham’s going to be such a trendsetter, surely he would be a bit younger. I do remember though, me and my mates in the playground, having a go at it….(he frowns) although come to think of it, I’m not sure I do want to think about that again….
CUT TO:
3.INT. STUDIO 1
PRESENTER
But Abraham wasn’t the only one creating a splash in 2519. His wife Sarah managed to steal some of the limelight from her celebrity husband with a little stunt of her own.
CUT TO:
4.INT.STUDIO 2. GUEST 3, a very young, trendy, female TV presenter
GUEST 3
Of course Abraham and Sarah were the hot celebrity couple of the time – and then when she had a baby at the age of 90, she sparked off a craze of her own. As hot as circumcision was for men, old age pregnancy was the big thing for women.
CUT TO GUEST 4, a suave-looking, well-spoken PHILISTINE
GUEST 4
And then of course when Isaac was born, everybody – even us Philistines were impressed, and we were desperate to see what he looked like – the pair managed to create two of the biggest news stories of the year. And then of course, after things went a little quiet for the two of them – there was that whole business with Abraham trying to sacrifice Isaac on the mountain, and suddenly they were back in the limelight again. Honestly, I don’t know how they did it.
CUT TO: Closing credits….
VOICEOVER
Next week, we take you back to 2168 BCE, when a man called Noah built a huge ship to save himself from the floods. And here’s a preview…
CUT TO. Female TV presenter
GUEST 3
I remember this bloke Noah, who was basically bonkers. In fact, there was a top ten hit at the time taking the piss out of him. He used to sing this Talmudic song…..
CUT TO. Guest 2
GUEST 2 (sings)
People of the earth – change your life, you need to be nice and not so bad, ‘cause if you carry on, like a bolt from the blue, God will cause a flood and drown all of you!
CUT TO. Guest 3
GUEST 3
Now this went on for about ten minutes and he sung like a wailing cat. So this guy Yossi thought he could make a bob or two making a spoof version. And next thing you know, it’s top ten. Of course, poor Yossi couldn’t spend the money he made out of it because he drowned a week after he got the royalty cheque. But it went something like this: People of the earth, I’m a mad old man, I want to build a zoo, as quickly as I can, apparently some bloke called God says there’ll be a flood, and unless we all behave ourselves, we’ll all drown in mud.
CUT TO. Guest 4 (Philistine)
GUEST 4
As you can probably tell, it was pretty shite. But hey! – we all bought it!
(LIGHTS UP on ALAN at his desk)
ALAN
Yes, they all bought it. I wish the same could be said of my Jewish comedy writing. If only one person could just give me a small break – it’s not like I’m asking for them to give me a show going out on prime time Friday night. But knowing my luck, someone will commission a Jewish comedy show to actually go out during the Sabbath, when of course nobody will be watching. I’d be happy with ten to midnight. Maybe what I should do is don a hat, grow a beard and proclaim myself Chief Rabbi. At least then I know I’ll have two shows a year, one for the New Year and one for the Passover. And then I’d get that ten to midnight slot I’ve always dreamed of. I can see it now – Alan Booker, Chief Rabbi. Then again, maybe not. On the other hand, if I had that airtime, I could fill it with things like this…
SKETCH THREE: What if the Royal Family was Jewish and had to give a New Year’s speech?
Someone runs across the stage with a card on which are written the words “What If…The Whole World Was Jewish?
ALAN
Now this sounds funny. A hidden Jewish conspiracy theory in which we imagine how different the world might be if everybody in it was Jewish. For example:
1 Kylie Minogue's skirts would be a little longer, she would eat more food,
and she would be called Rebecca, and rather than launching a range of
underwear she would launch a range of modest headscarves.
2 Volvos, traditionally driven by Orthodox Jews, would be exempt from London congestion charging - except there would be a lot more congestion given that Jews drive everywhere.
3 Sporting events wouldn't last very long e.g the Olympics would last for
about two days
4 In the world of fashion, black would be the new black - every season. From
black hats to black coats, and even black shoes, everybody would be in
black.
5 There would be no pubs, just wine bars doing a roaring trade in Diet Coke.
In fact the alcohol industry would collapse, to be replaced by a booming
soft drink industry.
6 TV would consist entirely of Jewish programmes, for example: BBC
Breakfast, with Dermot and Natasha would be a show about food. All the
viewer text messages would ask Natasha Kaplinsky whether she has a Jewish connection. Kilroy would be called Kil'Oy, and would be a show consisting of people discussing their sorros (problems). Meanwhile on ITV, Trisha or Rivka, as she would be known, would equally be a show about people's problems, such as where all the good single doctors, lawyers and
accountants are. In the evening, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire would last
only one episode as everyone knows all Jews are millionaires already. And
BBC Watchdog would be investigating such issues as why is there no
standard in the size of matzo balls, and should Americans be allowed to
sell salt beef in Britain but call it corned beef, when corned beef in
England is something completely different. Murdoch's Sky would launch a
new channel, Sky Jews, of which the flagship programme would be Jews At
Ten. Oh, if only….then again, of course, if the BBC won’t take it, maybe ITV or Channel 4 will. But with them, there’ll be commercial breaks. Now wouldn’t it be something if the adverts were Jewish too? But what would they sell….
SKETCH FOUR. Someone runs across the stage with the card reading “Commercial Break….”
VOICEOVER
Presenting! The best Jewish compilation album in the world - ever! 50 great Jewish-themed classics from the 40s to the 21st Century - includes Run Rabbi Run, Twisting By The Shul, Shul's Out, classics from that well-known party group Shmuel And The Gang, and not forgetting that smash hit single, Chas and Dave's classic kosher cockney singalong Rabbi…
"You won't stop davening,
Why don't you give it a rest,
You've got more Rabbis than Edgware,
And we don't know which is best,
There's Orthodox, Reform and there's Masorti too,
And also there's the Liberals, we can't forget you
But how were we to know what it was you would do,
With your incessant sermons,
You're becoming a pest.
Rabbi, Rabbi, Rabbi, Rabbi, Rabbi, Rabbi, Rabbi, Rabbi..
VOICEOVER
And now also available…. The Best Jewish Album In The World Ever! Volume 2 Featuring Noel Gallagher's touching rendition of Kaddish, If I Were A Rich Man by Elton John, David Bowie singing Hava Nagila, Ozzy Osbourne and U2 collaborating on Adon Olam, Havenu Shalom Alechem by Manic Street Preachers, plus 20 more top Jewish tunes performed by the likes of Dido, Chemical Brothers, Travis and David Gray. This album is not available in the high street and can only be purchased on TV. Order now and get the 'making of' DVD absolutely free! Don't delay, call today!
CUT TO. ALAN
ALAN
Of course, given the fact the show is going out at 1.30 in the morning, it means some of the adverts can turn to the dark side. For example…..
(cue scary music)
VOICEOVER
Finally, after being banned for 25 years, now available to buy or rent, that famous Jewish video nasty - I Schvitz On Your Grave, the tale of a sweaty gravedigger working overtime at a Jewish cemetery! Watch in horror as our hero finds himself having to dig five plots in two hours! Look on in alarm as he flings mud everywhere! Shriek as he wipes the perspiration from his brow! Be shocked as he buries the wrong body! A quarter of a century after the film was banned, we can now find out, from the censors and the critics, what it was that made it so controversial I Schvitz On Your Grave – Rated 18! (warning; this film contains footage of actual manual labour which some Jewish viewers may find disturbing)
SKETCH FIVE. Someone runs across across stage with card reading “Jewish Diversity.” Lights up on three people – an Orthodox, a Reform and a Liberal Jew.
VOICEOVER
And now…different Jews will explain the importance of being Jewish.
Light fades on other two but stays on ORTHODOX.
ORTHODOX JEW
I am an Orthodox Jew. This mean I attend synagogue on a daily basis, I strictly observe the Sabbath and all festivals, and the dietary laws, and support Tottenham Hotspur.
Light fades on ORTHODOX. Up on REFORM
REFORM JEW
Reform: I am a Reform Jew. I don't attend synagogue on a daily basis, I do not always strictly observe the Sabbath but I do observe festivals and some dietary laws.
Light fades on REFORM, up on LIBERAL
Liberal: I am a Liberal Jew. My favourite festival is Christmas.
Light fades on LIBERAL, up on ORTHODOX.
ORTHODOX JEW
I belong to the Orthodox Jewish Football League. We only play on matches on weeknights when there is no festival.
Light fades on ORTHODOX, up on REFORM
REFORM JEW
I belong to the Reform Jewish Football League. We play on Saturday afternoons, but only after synagogue.
Light fades on REFORM, up on LIBERAL
LIBERAL JEW
I play for the Liberal Jewish Football League. We don’t have any matches on Christmas.
CUT BACK TO. ALAN
ALAN
Now I thought this was funny, but clearly they didn’t. I wanted to have a Gladiators-type set where on the one side you’d have all these Ashkenazi Jews and on the other side you have all the Sephardi Jews. But this is what happened.
CUT TO. MEETING. ALAN IS IN ROOM WITH TWO EXECS, A MAN AND A WOMAN
MAN
So tell us about this, your Ashkenazi vs. Sephardi idea.
ALAN
After nearly six thousand years, we reveal who the toughest Jews are. Are they Sephardi (from Spain and the Middle East) or are they Ashkenazi (Jews of Eastern European origin)? In a head-to-head challenge, we take a group of Sephardi and Ashkenazi Jews in a mock Gladiators type show. Each of our contestants has got to prove themselves from taking part in a kickboxing championship and arm-wrestling through to laying a carpet and cutting shwarma from a spit. Through a mixture of endurance and Jewish skills, we can finally reveal which type of Jew is better.
MAN
I see. But my problem is, I don’t think anyone would get it.
ALAN
Well, let me try to explain….
WOMAN
Couldn’t you redo it a bit? The way I see it, it might work if it’s set during World War II and features a Greek Jewish boxer who gets sent to a concentration camp?
ALAN
Well, that wasn’t really the idea. I’m trying to steer clear of that whole area.
WOMAN
Well, what about a battle of Jewish mothers? I was thinking more like this: “Vell, vy is your son not married yet? He is such a good Jewish boy?” and the other one says Vell, vy is your son not married? Maybe he is a bit fegele?” and the first one says “Vat do you mean? My son has the pick of as many women as he wants.” Then the second one says, “Yes, I know. I only saw him the other day going into a phone box, picking up some cards and calling those numbers. Your son is a good picker”. (turns to Alan) Now that’s funny.
(ALAN puts his head in his hands in disbelief)
ALAN
Oy!
WOMAN
Yes! That’s more like it!
ALAN
That wasn’t a joke! What are you doing to me? You’re turning me into a stereotype! I’ve spent the last 25 years avoiding stereotypes and now you’re turning me into one!
WOMAN
Yes! That’s great! Go home, write something about a neurotic Jew and then call us again!
LIGHTS DOWN on WOMAN, up on ALAN
ALAN
As you can see, pitching is really difficult. So, I came home from that meeting really despondent, that everything I’ve tried to do just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Maybe I should follow the example of my friend. He’s been working on some material about this Jew who gets into his mind that as a Jew he has a stereotypical obligation to control everything.
SKETCH SIX
Someone runs across the stage with a card bearing the words: THE BANK
A man walks into a bank and goes to the female assistant
MAN
I’d like to take out some money.
ASSISTANT
Certainly sir, what’s your account number?
MAN
It doesn’t matter.
ASSISTANT
Well Sir, I can’t let you have any money from your account if you don’t tell me the number.
MAN
It doesn’t matter, any account will do. After all Jews control the banks, don’t they, so that means all the money is owned by me. So can I have some money please?
CUT TO. ALAN
ALAN
And that wasn’t the only thing he tried…..
SKETCH SEVEN
Someone runs across the stage with a card bearing the words: THE NEWSPAPER
The SAME MAN walks into the reception of The Guardian newspaper, illustrated by a card sign on the back of the stage. The same assistant greets him.
MAN
I'd like to buy a newspaper please.
RECEPTIONIST
I'm sorry sir, you need to go to a newsagent if you want to buy a newspaper.
MAN
No, you don't understand - I want to buy this newspaper.
RECEPTIONIST
I’m sorry?
MAN
Well, it’s just that I heard that Jews control the media. So I thought I’d get a piece of the action – now can I buy this newspaper please?
BACK TO ALAN IN FLAT
ALAN
As you can see, it doesn’t take much to be a living and breathing Jewish stereotype. For years, we’ve been accused of owning the banks and the media, but if this was true, how do you explain my bank manager calling me up every week to tell me I’m overdrawn? If anything, the bank should be overdrawn to me! There isn’t a stereotype I haven’t come across – in fact, I’m thinking of creating some new stereotypes. It really is time for Jewish stereotypes to move on a bit, get some new blood, invent some new images of what Jews are and what they do. But then again, aren’t some of the old stereotypes the best? (to the sound of a penny rolling on the floor) Oh look – there’s a penny on the floor! Better pick it up quickly, before anyone else gets it (he picks it up)…
SKETCH EIGHT. The card reads JEWISH STEREOTYPES EXPLAINED
This sketch is a spoof highbrow look at explaining Jewish stereotypes, presented by Professor Robert Smythe of the University Of Derby, a kind of young hip historian.
1.INT.STUDIO
PROFESSOR
Good evening. In tonight’s show we will be exploring the world of Jewish stereotypes and asking the question; what are they really like? With me in the studio are two Jews; Hymie Goldblatt, a money-lender from Golders Green and Elliott Levy, an accountant from Manchester.
HYMIE
Good? Oy, you should talk about the evening I’ve had. Vere do you keep your toilet around here?
PROFESSOR
Er, Mr.Goldblatt, we’re on air.
HYMIE
Vat do you mean? Vat are you talking about? I just want to know vere the toilet is!
PROFESSOR
Mr. Goldblatt, we are live on television.
HYMIE
Oy, ve are on the telly already?
PROFESSOR
That’s right, Mr Goldblatt. Now the topic under discussion is Jewish stereotypes, and the myths perpetrated about them within the media and public eye. Do you believe that Jews are unfairly stereotyped in such circles, and how would you react to these allegations?
HYMIE
Stereotypes? You think ve are stereotyped? Why do you want to know? Why are you doing this programme? Vere is the toilet in zis place?
PROFESSOR
(giving up) Turning to you Elliott, you’re of the younger generation and so perhaps less inclined to conform to any stereotypical Jewish behaviour – what do you make of such allegations?
ELLIOTT
(ponders this for a while, then) How much does it cost to make this programme?
BACK TO. ALAN
ALAN
When it comes to scapegoating, nothing can be finer than to blame a Jew. From who killed Jesus? Through to the Bubonic Plague, and from the axing of Crossroads through to the death of the Queen Mother, we’ve been blamed for just about everything. About the only thing we haven’t been blamed for is making Tony Blair Prime Minister – but give it time. So I started thinking, what else could we possibly be blamed for?
SKETCH NINE. The card reads BLAME THE JEWS
LIGHTS UP ON A TV PRESENTER CHARACTER
PRESENTER
Throughout history, the Jews have been responsible for most of the disasters to have plagued man. Tonight, we take a look at five of these.
PRESENTER
Number One. The extinction of the dinosaurs. One day during the Ice Age, it’s a known fact that a local Jewish man called Isaac The Barbarian caught a cold, which he subsequently passed on to his sabre-toothed kitten. This spread among the communities of prehistoric creatures, and thus within a matter of hours dinosaurs were no more.
PRESENTER
Number Two. The sinking of the polar icecaps. After Eastbourne and the Catskills, Jews needed a new place to go for their summer holidays, but of course Jews want something different these days, and so Antarctica is the new vacation destination. However, being underdeveloped, the Jews have come along and turned it into a holiday resort with hotels, attractions and theme parks including Iceworld featuring Pinchas The Kosher Performing Penguin.
PRESENTER
However, all these exciting developments have taken their toll on the icecaps, which are starting to melt under the pressure of people and buildings. Blame the Jews.
PRESENTER
Number three. The lack of time travel. If it wasn’t for the Jews, we would all be time travelling by now – however, the death of Albert Einstein has prevented us from uncovering the secret of this. Typical of the Jews that they should keep this to themselves, even on their deathbed. Surely Einstein could’ve given us more than a few pointers.
PRESENTER
Number four. The death of Queen Victoria. Obviously she didn’t die of old age despite having reigned for over 60 years and being well into her 90s when she died. Jews plotted to knock her off for at least 50 years previously – we know full well that had they not succeeded, she would still be alive and well and Queen Of England today, and thus the problems with the present Royal Family would never exist, so blame the Jews.
PRESENTER (v.o)
Finally, is there no end to what the Jews are responsible for? Atlantis was once a thriving metropolitan community – now, thanks to Jewish intervention, it is lost forever. Quite how it got lost is a mystery, but we know for a fact it has something to do with the Jews.
BACK TO.ALAN
ALAN
We’re not such bad people really, despite what everyone may think. OK, so we break a few rules from time to time, avoiding tax by paying cash only, and keeping some offshore accounts, but we don’t really hurt anybody, do we? Of course one of the rules that many Jews tend to break is the one of not doing any work on the Sabbath – that means no electricity, no writing and certainly no driving. Not that you’d know this, if you’ve ever come into contact with my family. and there seems to be plenty of ways to avoid getting caught. Trust me, they’re fully trained…
SKETCH TEN. Someone runs across the stage with a card reading JEWISH DRIVING SCHOOL
CAR which is made up of two chairs. INSTRUCTOR and LEARNER are in the car together driving on imaginary steering wheel. Lights on them only.
INSTRUCTOR
Now in today’s lesson we are going to learn how to drive home from synagogue without being spotted by any fellow congregants who are walking home. So if you could turn left, past the synagogue entrance….(the car slides past the entrance to the synagogue, where congregants are leaving) very good.
(Continues on down the street)
INSTRUCTOR
OK, now we’re approaching some people on the left, so what I want you to do is accelerate very fast past them and hope they don’t recognise your licence plate (the LEARNER speeds the car up) – that’s it, excellent, now slow down to – (his gaze wanders to the pavement where two important looking people in hats are walking) - oh no, there’s the synagogue wardens, just look straight ahead, keep your eyes straight ahead on the road and hope they don’t notice you (the car goes past without the people on the pavement even blinking an eye) - very good indeed.
(they continue to drive)
INSTRUCTOR
Now, continue on past the people just getting into their car there (close-up on fellow congregants getting into car), the ones who parked half a mile down the road to make it look as though they walked here – and just stop at the zebra crossing for (the Rabbi begins to cross the road), for, er – now don’t worry, look at the floor of the car, keep looking at the floor, (the LEARNER keeps looking down) if you can’t see him he can’t see you, right?
(The RABBI crosses the road without even glancing at the people in the car. The car proceeds down the road)
INSTRUCTOR
OK, you’re doing fine. Now if you take a left at the next set of traffic lights you’ll avoid those people coming down the road who were the last to leave, and you’ll be home and dry – now turn here, that’s right –
(Lights come up to reveal they have turned into a huge traffic jam, with people sitting in ‘cars’ in front and behind them, providing the perfect opportunity for)
latecomers to walk past and spot exactly who’s sitting there. The people sitting in the car in front are also driving shulgoers who are trying to act nonchalant)
INSTRUCTOR
- (sighs) and now let’s just sit here for ages, stuck behind all the other people who seem to have had the same idea…..
|
